An Open Letter to Young Hippies

Dirty Hippies

No, I don’t want your organic chocolates. It’s probably that “acquired taste” chocolate that I hate. Here are some other things I do not want from hippies. I want hippies to not use so much patchouli that I can still smell it 24 hours later. I want hippies to not leave a floater in our toilet. Remember please: if it is brown you must flush it down. If it is yellow do not “let it mellow” for fucks’ sake. I want hippies to not befoul our nice new photobooth with nasty, sticky, mysterious juice. Leave the organic hippie juice boxes at home, please. Most of all, I want hippies to not spend five hours browsing Quimby’s, only to leave without purchasing a single thing. I recognize that, as hippies, the barter economy is preferred until the trust fund is at risk. So think of it this way, hippies: we offer a comfortable space to hang out. We have lots of groovy things to trip out on. We have an indoor bathroom with working plumbing and everything. And in exchange for this, as a token of appreciation, hippie, please buy something. Anything will do — it’s pretty hard to go wrong. Many items are “grown” locally (although I personally recommend Jack Chick tracts for the impressionable younger hippie). Is this really too much to ask?